Dawn | Masuoka.com

I feel like I’m fighting to live and living to die. I work until I pass out, then I get up and do it again. Once in a while I eat. All in an effort to put my life back together from the last time I said “fuck this!” and pissed it all away in the name of adventure. But then I find myself at the bottom, and that’s not where I want to be either. Everyone else seems to have something in their life that gives them meaning and purpose. Kids, family, friends, something. My only friend is a thinkpad running gentoo. My children have process IDs. I still have no family, and I do my soul searching on google. I love my work, but there has to be more to life than this or what’s the point? Where’s my wife & kids? I would be content with suburb mediocracy, I just don’t want to be there alone. I did that and, well like I said, it got to the point that I had to ask myself why am I doing this? Why am I working my ass off to eat and work my ass off? ROFLMAO! Hey, check it out! Today’s my birthday! I don’t want much out of life. I want to be happy. Love, and be loved. I know it’s not going to happen so why can’t I just give up? Anyway… so what’s your advise oh great one?

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SirBinam,

First of all- Happy birthday! Congrats on not dying Not that staying alive is a difficult task- considering all my ex’s are still alive it shows that any moron can succeed at breathing. (kidding to the last part- Happy belate birthday! Your comments brought a smile to my face)

Second of all you do have options but obviously you CHOOSE not to risk prison time.

Seriously though; it sucks because it requires thought, trial and error and finding your “thing” but you need to create your own purpose. At times I’ve wondered if I was meant for the great love, a great imprint on the world etc., or if my purpose is to serve as a warning for others. Maybe I’m just a filler or an extra for the lives of others. A cog in the wonderful machine that is society (can you smell the sarcasm from the latter?). I’m too narcissistic to embrace the filler/extra/cog theory, or at least I tell myself that to avoid hearing my internal whine.

You’re obviously not giving up if you’re asking about it and it’s on your mind. It’s out there. Patience is something we’re not accustomed to in this high speed world where everything is supposed to be available by clicking or pushing a button.

You’ve gone the adventure route and it doesn’t sound like it was your thing. You chose that, didn’t care for it and you’re starting again from the ground up. You can cross the adventure thing off your list now? The horrible thing about making a decision is that not all paths we choose lead to bliss and we have to tuck our tails between our legs and play catch up.

Getting married isn’t a guarantee of bliss. The person love blinded you by could turn out to be a chronic nagger who questions your every move and throws a fit if you look a female who happens to be on tv. Your kids can wind up crack whores who steal from you and wind up in a morgue before their 18th birthday. It happens quite frequently.

Perhaps everything previously didn’t happen because it wasn’t in your best interest. You don’t know what’s on the horizon. If you did you’d make a bundle as a soothsayer on Wall Street.

So now you have to ask yourself if you’re subconsciously protecting yourself for a greater good and things will happen when you’re truly ready… or if you were burnt in your last venture and you’re afraid to take more risks. For myself it’s a mixture of both.

You have to ask yourself also: “All those people who boast having meaning in their lives… how much of it is true meaning how much of it is them bsing themselves daily and putting on a false front because the more they act like everything is wonderful… it brings them one step closer to actually believing it?” Some people truly *are* happy, but I’ve only met a few. Never compare yourself to others because you never know how much is ignorance, tolerance, sacrifice or true contentment.

What makes you smile when no one is looking (should you find a time where the work load hasn’t beaten you to a bloody pulp and your off time is trying to briefly recover for the next round)?

Put your info on a resume site and forget about it- perhaps you’ll get nibbles that you’d never think you’d get on a day when you’re at the end of your rope. The next time you find the time to go out and grab a morsel of food- try to leave some of the stress behind you and perhaps some one will see that spark in your eye and show interest- and perhaps that person won’t be a sociopath.

In the meantime you are alive. Living in a social environment gives you daily choices and opportunities should you choose to pursue one or create an opportunity. If you choose to treat a day like a mere day and do nothing out of the norm then you really aren’t ready for more. If you do opt to break out of your grind, then expect things not to go right and one day they will. Life is a numbers game and it’s ballsy, but if you’re wanting it all to fall into place without true effort for the things you really desire, you’re going to be miserable.

There are a couple groan worthy sayings I’m going through out there:
Want what you have and you’ll always have what you want (yes it’s a cop out, but at times it’s a comfort)
The world is designed for those who know how to use it. (you just need to figure out how- obviously since you’re not ignorantly bliss- you’ve got the mind to figure out the puzzle and you aren’t an easy please.)

Dawn

 SirBinam says:
March 16th, 2008 at 3:43 pm
BTW… You held good on your guarentee to let me waste my valuable time. Almost 2 hours of it. I have a project deadline Monday, that’s about 3 days not enough time yet here I am. But I got some good laughs out of your various ramblings so it was worth it I guess. I like your sense of humor. You should put up more “doodles”, I will be checking back. Oh, and no Mac users don’t observe DST or have holes in their socks, neither do Linux users, and we don’t inprison our fish! We do scewer humans and leave them about the city though, our rightousness allows it.

SirBinam,

I *knew* that about Mac users!! DAMN YOU GATES! ..and my fish isn’t a prisoner… There’s no lock on the cage, he’s free to leave whenever he wants.

Dawn

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