You think you know, but you have no idea. My name is Kevin and I was asked, more like forced to follow this girl named Dawn around because she has some ego trip going on. Apparently she was watching MTV one night and saw the celebrity diaries on the air and was wondering why she didn’t have the same exposure. Could it be because she is a NOBODY?? Now here I am, she couldn’t afford a camera crew or a microphone so I am trying my best to do this on a portable laptop computer. I am in her drive way right now, it is four in the afternoon and I am going to record the next five hours of her ‘typical’ day.

I am now at her front door and knocked about ten times… no answer. I looked in the windows and have seen no sign of life except a dog barking in the backyard and a couple cats jumping over the fence… still nothing. After the twentieth knock, finally she makes her way to the door looking remarkably like Carrot Top, her hair is red and frizzed out, mascara smeared under her tired looking eyes and she has a blanket wrapped around her body, wearing a grey t-shirt. She flings the door open.

Dawn: What?!?!?!
Kevin: It’s me, Kev, you asked me to come over today…
Dawn: Oh my Gawd, what time is it?
Kevin: Four fifteen.
Dawn: Can you come back at five?
Kevin: Whatever.

I drive around to the local McDonalds and eat until it is time to return to the lair. When I come back it is a completely different scene. The lights are on in the living room and she answers the door smiling, her hair in smooth curls framing her well made-up face, a red crisp blouse with nice flared black pants, high-heeled boots and a sweater coat. She opens the door with fresh polished nails and I can’t for the life of me figure out how she was able to transform herself in such a short period of time.

Dawn: Come on in, Skippy! (she says smiling sweetly)
Kevin: It’s Kevin.
Dawn: Whatever. So Carl, you ready to make me look good?
Kevin: It’s Kevin, and yeah. (I am only mortal and can only do so much).
Dawn: First of all, let me start off the diary by saying ‘You think you know… but you have no idea.’ That’s what they say on the show, right Skip?
Kevin: It’s Kevin, and I don’t know, never watch MTV.
Dawn: Hey, I am not paying you to argue with me.
Kevin: You aren’t paying me.
Dawn: Whatever.
Kevin: Any ways, what do we do now?
Dawn: I think I am supposed to say something about how hard it is to be me. I mean people just don’t understand what it is like to walk in my boots. I try so hard to make an impact on the world and I give and I give. People just take and take. Never appreciating me or giving me my proper recognition. I swear they are also prejudice… or jealous. Something like that. It has been difficult for me to find work, make friends, I think it has to do with my religious beliefs. I will start this off by showing you what it is like for me out there. That it isn’t all in my head.
Kevin: Okay, so are we going to go in your car or mine?
Dawn: Mine, your car looks like crap. I can’t be seen in a car that looks like crap.
Kevin: Thanks. Your car it is then.

We make our way to her car which is completely feminine. I scoot down in the seat so I won’t be seen in it. It is a pinkish color with little silver butterflies on the front window, a butterfly hanging from the rearview mirror along with a fairy, a goddess sticker on the back window and a the words ‘Born Again Pagan’ stretched below it. I feel like I should be wearing a tutu and a tiara. She gets in and starts blaring Limp Bizkit as she peels out of the drive-way. Kill me, kill me now.

Dawn: Well Skip, we are going to start off by going to Wal-Mart. I need to get some blank tapes, Buffy is on tomorrow night and I don’t have anything to record it on. Even at mundane places like Wal-Mart you can feel the prejudice in the air. People just don’t like me and I don’t do anything to deserve it.

Wal-Mart is just a stone throws away and as soon as we pull into the parking lot, the hell I refer to now as Dawn Day starts. She is trying to find a place to park and a nice looking elderly couple are in front of us walking across the street to their car. Dawn rolls down her window and…

Dawn: Would you (censored) move it you old fogies?!?! You’d think you’d be in more of a (censored) hurry as you really don’t have the luxury of time on your side!!!

Everyone is staring and the couple is looking at us in disbelief. I try to shrink further into my seat and give the people the best apologetic look I can muster up. Dawn slams on the breaks and honks her horn repeatedly. The couple gets into their car and Dawn just sits there staring them down. A vehicle behind us honks their horn at us and Dawn turns to me…

Dawn: Did you hear that car honking at me? I think it is because of my sticker on the back. I told you, prejudice.
Kevin: Whatever. (shrinking even further into my seat.)

We finally find a spot and get out, Dawn flips off the car that was previously trying to get us to move and then hurries into the store. An older man who works there offers us a shopping cart and Dawn pushes it back at him.

Dawn: If I wanted a (censored) cart, I would get my own!
Older man: Sorry M’am.
Dawn: Did you just call me a MAN?!? You are SO fired! (she turns to me… which I am frantically typing all this down trying to hide behind the first row of shelves) Carl, can you remember his name for me, I am going to report this (censored) bastard.

I wave my hand above the shelf to let her know I am on it, although I don’t look at his name tag and I am really hoping she forgets all about it. She makes her way to the electronic section, I am about five paces behind her- witnessing her shoving her way past couples, children, the elderly and snarling as she does it. Why hasn’t any one killed me yet?

Dawn grabs the video tapes off the shelf, alters her body a little and I see plastic wrap fall to the floor. She turns around and I notice that the tapes are no where to be seen.

Dawn: Come on Skip, let’s go.
Kevin: It’s Kevin, where are your tapes?
Dawn: Whatever. Never mind… let’s hurry.

Great. I wonder how it will be in prison, I hope the food is good. Dawn rushes out of the store and back into her car laughing.

Dawn: What a rush!!
Kevin: You really didn’t need to do that. If you needed money, I would have gladly given it to you.
Dawn: It isn’t about the money, it is the principle.
Kevin: What principle?
Dawn: I don’t know, but I am sure they are doing something corrupt.

As we are driving down the street, she is messing with her radio and going about ten miles per hour under the speed limit. I can see the cars behind us getting frustrated, finally one of the cars pull up beside us and scream out the window, “It’s the pedal on the right!” Dawn smiles and waves to them.

Dawn: See!! Fans!! Did they say ‘I love you?’
Kevin: Yeah sure.
Dawn: I get so much recognition every where I go.

Dawn decides to go downtown to walk around, perhaps to make my job harder than it already is. It is getting pretty dark and extremely cold. My fingers are numbing and she insists on rambling.

Dawn: Well this is downtown Salem. Not much to see here. You will find wanna be’s causing chaos on the corners and prostitutes trying to meet a John. Kind of funny as it isn’t big town. I swear it is full of posers.

A group of orphans come from around the corner almost cutting her off, a nun is following behind them. A little girl trips over a crack in the side walk and accidentally bumps into her majesty.

Dawn: Watch it shrimp!
Little Girl: I’m sorry, I tripped.
Dawn: Bull (censored) you did that intentionally.
Little Girl: I swear I didn’t (looking as if she is about to cry)
Dawn: Where are your parents?
Little Girl: I don’t have parents, I am an orphan.
Dawn: You know why you are an orphan? It’s because you cried too much.
Nun: Can you please leave the children alone?
Dawn: You talking to me? I wasn’t doing anything to you. Carl… see, she is pre-judging me!

The nun gathered up the children and hurried into the awaiting van.

Dawn: Damn children. Skippy, hurry into the car! I think I caught an infectious child disease. You know those things are crawling with germs! I need to go the emergency room STAT!
Kevin: It’s not Skippy… it’s Carl… Kevin. You don’t need to go to the emergency room, kids are harmless.
Dawn: I don’t know where they came from.

So off to the hospital we went, flashing her head lights and honking her horn as we made our way through the traffic. As we neared the hospital, I saw the flashing blue and red of a police car go off behind us. Dawn reluctantly pulled over and waited for the officer to come up next to the window.

Cop: License and registration.
Dawn: Did I do anything wrong officer?
Cop: You were driving recklessly through a high traffic area. Is there a reason for it?
Dawn: I was going to the emergency room. (Dawn pulled her coat over her body and arched her back creating an illusion that she was pregnant). I went into labor and Carl couldn’t drive me because he doesn’t have a license. I didn’t know what else to do. I was having a contraction right before you pulled me over.

Some how Dawn convinced the policeman to escort us to the hospital. After he turned away, we went into the building and she rushed to counter. An real pregnant lady was in front of her and informed Dawn that she was first. The woman was wincing in pain and Dawn gave her the coldest icy stare that you can imagine.

Dawn: Aw gee, what ever did knocked up women do before they had hospitals? Why don’t you just go squat in a field or something you wimp? Not my fault you had sex and now you are in pain. Poor, poor little baby. Deal with it.
Pregnant woman looking in dismay: You are the rudest person I have ever met, I hope you burn in hell.
Dawn: Burn in hell? How dare you push your religious views on me?

The lady behind the counter luckily came to the rescue and told Dawn that if she didn’t keep it down, she would have to call security. They came and took care of the woman that Dawn verbally assaulted and left us standing there waiting. After about five minutes, the lady behind the counter annoyingly asked Dawn what the problem was.

Dawn: I think I need a shot of some kind. I was downtown and a child touched me.
Receptionist: I do not think you need a shot, I personally think you need to leave.
Dawn: Are you refusing me medical help?
Receptionist: M’am, I do not believe you need medical help. Touching a child does not qualify as a medical emergency.
Dawn: Are you a doctor?
Receptionist: No, I am not a doctor but I…
Dawn: Then let me speak to a doctor.

At this point I decided to leave. I could take the bus back to my car. When I made it to the side walk, she was right on my heels.

Dawn: Carl, where are you going? I need you to record the injustices that happen in my day to day life.
Kevin: For the last time it’s KEVIN! And the only injustice I see is that your mother didn’t have an abortion with you!
Dawn: Ouch, that kind of hurt. So you are siding with them when you saw first hand how they treat me?
Kevin: Are you THAT narcissistic??!
Dawn: Come on, let’s go back to my house, I think we should wrap things up.
Kevin: For the first time I am inclined to agree with you.

Back at Dawn’s house. She takes off her shoes and plops down on the sofa.

Dawn: I am sorry that you had to witness all of that. Apparently people got to you also. See, it isn’t easy walking in my boots. I told you that before we started. There are an equal number of people who love me or hate me, unfortunately in this area, people automatically hate me and I have no idea why. They don’t even give me a chance.
Kevin: And the people who supposedly love you, they don’t know you, do they?
Dawn: What does that have to do with anything?
Kevin: Nothing. Never mind.
Dawn: Welp, that was a typical day in my life. I hope people now know me a little better, the struggles I go through and the things I have to face day in and day out. I want to thank you Carl for doing this for me.
Kevin: You are welcomed. Now can I please have the envelope back with those pictures?
Dawn: You will get them back after you publish this telling my story as it happened. I don’t want any editing as I want people to see the ugly truth of what people in their community are really like, how horrible they treat people such as my self, people who are a little different.
Kevin: Don’t worry, I won’t edit a thing.

I finished saving all this and climbed into my vehicle, making sure I sped out of there before she had a chance to think of something else to say and start chasing after me.

Before this day, I thought Dawn was a nice woman with warmth and a heart of gold. I thought I knew… I had no idea.

written by dawn masuoka and her split personality (yes, dawn and ‘kevin’ are one in the same) copyright 2002