If you haven’t seen the beginning of Idiocracy, you need to. The rest of the film can be overlooked, but the first ten or so minutes paints a very real and grim picture of our societal downfall that needs to be corrected.
I know there are highly intellectual people out there who really need to breed but can’t; and sadly they don’t want to adopt although they could raise the next hope for the world. It’s okay, kids aren’t for everyone and they’re kind of high maintenance with all that feeding, schooling and attention they require.
For those who can but don’t because having a kid sound boring and “responsible”; and let’s face it, between going to work, paying bills and making sure to keep up on all the installments of your favorite game title you’re up to your chin in “responsibility”.
Okay, so you’re not for the rearing of kids under the normal guidelines that keep Child Protective Services out of your business; but what if you can raise kids that amuses you and keeps state officials off your back? Well there is! Well… maybe there is. These approaches to raising kids haven’t been actually tested, but they seem harmless enough.
An idea my daughter and I came up with a long time ago to make sure future kids are safe and yet a source of constant amusement for the parent- Put a live aquarium scene outside their window and have realistic ocean/underwater scenes outside of every window starting the day you bring them home from the hospital. Convince them that the world is submerged underwater and if they go outside without a diving suit, they’ll drown.
Any time you have to leave to work, put on a snorkel, and when you return home from work dump a cup of water over your head before you walk in the door. It sounds like a pain, but the internal snicker you’ll do at your child’s ignorance will be worth it.
“Why can’t I get a diving suit?”
“Because unfortunately they only make them in adult sizes to ensure you have the proper training to harpoon sharks and make it to the work dome without incident. In the work dome you work and get the proper groceries needed for survival, but that’s only after a grueling day of gutting fish. Once in awhile on a weekend night I go to the work dome to put in extra hours or I’m called to the work dome for emergencies… be thankful you’re not old enough to be called to the work dome.”
Yes this plan requires home schooling and never being able to purchase dry clean only clothes… but if you think about it, it sounds worth it.
The amusement will continue well into their long adulthood when they start having conversations with their peers about “raised underwater” and how grateful they are for the big water recession that allowed them all to “surface”.
“Uh… Mom, I mentioned the “Great receding of the water to my peers, and they laughed at me.”
Just make sure you’re prepared for the questions that ensue after a lifetime of spinning yarns like most religious parents are.
Another idea was to raise your child as a complete nerd geek. Start them off with non-prescription glasses, give them cloth pocket calculators toys and convince them that stupid jokes are funny and cool. “Q: Why is it that programmers always confuse Halloween with Christmas? A: Because 31 OCT = 25 DEC.” HAHAHAHA!
Teach the alphabet in binary code “01100001 01100010 01100011 01100100 01100101 01100110 01100111 01101000 01101001 01101010 01101011 01101100 01101101 01101110 01101111 01110000 01110001 01110010 01110011 01110100 01110101 01110110 01110111 01111000 01111001 01111010″
Teach them how to spell their name only in hex code “44 61 77 6e” (Dawn).
Give them Dungeons and Dragons stuffed animals, hand sew them toddler Urkle outfits (regardless of gender). Teach them witty retorts, martial arts, how to use a baterang and grapple hook and then unleash them on the world.
Hopefully they won’t get bullied and beaten up, but on the VERY off chance they do, at least you know they know martial arts, they have a baterang and can grapple hook their way out of the situation.
If they’re well accepted in society, then remember to tell them that kissing the opposite gender will make them blind (although I tried that on my daughter and I *thought* I had her convinced until she informed me while in kindergarten “I kissed a boy on the bus and I didn’t go blind!” :/ ).
Here are some other ideas I’ve happened across in making raising child rearing not just a responsibility of creating a functional cog in the mechanisms of society, another being to love and adore, or someone who will change the world and not murder a bunch of people- I feel like having a few more just to try to these out.
David Cross on raising kids:
So uh, I kind of make fun of religion and stuff but seriously though I thought about this that someday I want to… you know, have kids. I’d like to get married. You know I don’t know what my wife’s going to believe in and I and I want to respect her superstitions. So there’s a question, “How would we raise our kids?” But I think I’ve hit upon the perfect solution. I’ve decided that I’m going to raise my kids to be Amish. I could instill that hard working ethic in them and that sense of morals you know, and I’m sure there’ll be some problems.
I’m sure there’ll be occasions where they’ll be like, “Um Daddy how come we never get to watch television or play video games but you always get to watch television and you get to play video games? And you get to have the lights on the in the house and we never do, how come you do?”
“Well, sweetheart, that’s because Daddy’s not Amish. See, you are, honey, that’s what you believe in, yeah it is. Now come on, be a good boy you’ve gotta go up get upstairs to bed. You know you have to get up early and harvest my breakfast, alright? Okay? Ah…ah I see you peeking… come on now. Honey, get to bed. (shakes head) Oooooh Amish kids…
From Huff Post… for some reason I can’t get the video code to embed: “Even though a series called the VICE Guide to Parenting (click on the link… it’s funny) seems like a can’t-miss virtual roadmap for child rearing, the most recent episode revealed that Jon Benjamin has been playing a prank on his son… for nine years.
The comedian is known for his practical jokes, but this one takes the cake (although the prank probably isn’t real). Benjamin explains that he’s been speaking to his son exclusively in a British accent since he was a small child, and his son has no idea that his dad isn’t British.
“He likes sports like squash and cricket,” says Judah Benjamin in the video. “And he calls an umbrella a ‘bumbershoot.’”
Benjamin is known to blur the line between reality and scripted comedy. His last show to do this, the funny-but-canceled “Jon Benjamin Has a Van,” can be seen in its entirety on Netflix Instant. He also stars as the voice of the title characters on the animated shows “Archer” and “Bob’s Burgers.”"
See, raising kids doesn’t have to be all work and responsibility. As long as there isn’t deprivation of food, affection, or physical torture- you can submit your chromosomal creation into the world that is slowing dying due to creationists, people who are glued to reality shows and shows like “American Idol”, and Republicans.
You can come up with your own fun way of child raising; the only tricky part is to find a partner who doesn’t have some hidden Southern DNA that can knock the smart right out of your offspring. Seriously, the last thing you want is to walk into your child’s room and find them giving you the “Hook ‘em horns” gesture. If that last scenario does happen despite your best attempts, remember, it’s never too late to put them up for adoption since my law for abortions being allowed up to age 18 has yet to be approved.
Current Mood: Buddha