Where do I even begin after being mentally away for so long? Am I too young for a midlife crisis or am I long over due?

The other day I was remembering that I had given myself a HUGE padding of years in order to publish my first book, an enormous period of time. I actually thought I was being lazy by assigning such a large number. That age passed almost two years ago. Am I even close to completing that wonderful first novel that 80% of people inspire to write at some point in their life? Not even.

I have beginnings. I guess all work needs a beginning, and thankfully this summer both the projects I’m working on (a new one cropped up) will get more attention than when I was spending most of my time doing repetitious tasks in a job that belittled my soul regardless of how much I tried not to allow it to. Yes, the same job I’m trying to return to and will return to- but hopefully I’ll return with a new game plan and direction into hopefully a different department or transfer into a different region.

I’ve felt crushed by the weight of life when that magical number came and went. There I was- getting up in age where no longer when published would they go crazy because a woman so YOUNG had so much talent and creativity. No longer was I able to boast about such early success.

It’s hard and confusing to let go of that, but you have to. You need to build a bigger goal and glamor for this next phase of life. “I will be an ‘inspiration’ for women everywhere!” That’s not only pompous, but it’s bogus- or at least it should be bogus. If I am an inspiration to anyone… those people have to be subhuman because I only do what I believe is right, as all people should.

Do most people start out with such big dreams and accept it when those dreams fade into the mundanes of day to day to life? I don’t want that.

I guess I have to replace the notion of being a huge phenomenal success with merely being a woman who sets out and accomplishes a dream. Success is measured, the feeling you get by reaching your dream is immeasurable… I think.

Current Mood: busy

I don’t want to be one of those women who writes about her cats… although I have done it which does make me “one of those women who writes about their cats.” The following scenario is just too tempting *not* to write about my kitty.

Her name is Mila- pretty little delicate fluffy kitty who is quiet and a little shy. I’ve had her for almost two years now and she’s a loving little creature who tends to keep to herself for the most part.

Yesterday the other cat “Stan Lee” (a healthy chunk of a cat who’s pretty solid- he acts more like a dog or an annoying little kid) he was tormenting Mila the majority of the day. If she was stretching out in the sun spot relaxing he’d plop down next to her, roll slightly to bump her out of the way and then swat her. I’d watch her little paws bat try to bat him away… and then she’d go find another place to relax, only to be met up with him again.

Getting annoyed with Stan for that amongst other things, prompted me to break out my sons automatic Nerf foam dart shooter… I had a Rambo trilogy weekend… I spied the gun/ammo… saw the annoying cat and something just clicked.

I sprayed the little guy with the foam darts and it was SOOO therapeutic! He wasn’t injured (merely a little annoyed) and Mila… I swear, was sitting there smiling! Afterwards I went to sit on the sofa and Mila ran over to me and started to pur and weave around my head nuzzling me. When Stan walked over Mila started to chat away, looking right at me as if she were telling me to get the gun… shoot him… “Why aren’t you doing anything woman?!”

I had thrown out my back, so attacking Stan was no longer on the agenda for fun (if you shoot the dart, you must go pick up the dart).

This morning I heard Jonathon get excitedly upset over something that was happeneing by the food bowls. Mila found one of the foam darts (she normally has no interest in ANYTHING, let alone insulting cat toys or what have you). She had her body facing Stan Lee and it looked like she was trying to pick it up and throw it at him.

I felt so proud of the little girl, but was she really doing what I thought she was trying to do?

I have just spent the past few hours watching the Michael Jackson Memorial Service and sobbing. I didn’t think I would, like that.

In such an exposed and critical world… he lasted longer than I probably could have. He was a legend and a larger than life entertainer. I was exposed to his music early on as my dad was largely into Motown and I grew up with it… and oddly enough his music blended with anything else I’d listen to.

Love him or hate him, his impact on America culture and his contributions to the world was legend. (more to come)

Yes I botched up the spelling on that, why? Because they aren’t legit words to begin with. Like “Pwned”-the word that annoys me more than anything… a typo gone astray.

This mornings topic is Rambo. John Rambo. The Green Beret, the most awesome person in the history of returning back from Nam with a huge chip on his shoulder and more ammo than …ummm… damn I should have had more coffee.

It all started when Jonathon and I were returning from getting groceries and it came on the radio: In a fight between Rambo and Rocky… (and then I pulled into the parking space). I repeated the question in case Jonathon didn’t hear, “Who would win in a fight between Rocky and Rambo?”

We looked at each other… nodded and said at the same time:
Me: “Rambo!”
Jonathon: “Rocky!”

>glare<

Me: “What are ya nuts? Rambo!”
Jonathon: “You’re the nut, Rocky! Rocky’s a boxer. He wins.”

It got me trying to remember in a hand to hand combat if Rambo had a lot of strength- sneak surprise, yes… artillery … yes…

I concluded he could hold his own.

I posted as my status the question and Rambo was favored:

Rick: you are correct. rocky has no chance. did you see the last Rambo? Those thugs on the boat? Rocky would be floating upside down with a big hole through his cerebrum.

(My mom) Rambo goes by his own rules. Remember the second Rambo movie? I LOVED the beginning!!! (he’s getting his gear ready)

Me: Ugh- he wants you to ask Papa, he thinks he’ll side with him.

(My mom) Okay, Papa says Rambo because there’s no way a boxer would be able to beat a green beret…but his first comment was “He’s the same guy!” So maybe that will help JP?

Me: No- Jonathon’s looking at character and not actor.

Me: Jonathon rolled his eyes and shook his head at all of us.

So that brought me to my second match… Terminator vs. Rambo. Jonathon went with Terminator and I stuck with my Green Beret. The response was mixed but by a slight margin Rambo won again.

I posed the third and final (which Jonathon has never seen- so he’s going with Rambo)

Me: I think Commando vs. Rambo would be awesome too- and more closely fitted.

Opinions other than too much time on our hands for a weekend?

If you look for the bad in people, you will surely find it- much like the bad in life. I was certain Canadians stole my telescope… and it turned out that I had it all along.

Those Canadians are even shiftier and more sly than I thought! They stole it… got me all worked up and then snuck it back inside. Ohhh Canada… Oh Canada…

I’ve decided that it was Canadians who stole my telescope. I’ve no “proof” but I do have a theory…

The Canadians, jealous of … never mind… whilst taking a picture of my telescope free porch… I saw that I had placed the telescope behind my tv set which is near the back porch.

Sorry Canada- I’m still watching you though!

Tonight I went to grab my telescope to stargaze… and it’s not there. It’s not there. It’s gone. 10 years of being my eyes to the Universe, and it’s gone. I’m crying and laughing. Crying because 10 years ago it was all I wanted in this world as far as superficial things… I finally was able to get it after a very long time of wanting, and longing… and then the first time I saw Jupiter’s moons I almost passed out… and some stranger grabbed my telescope- WHEN!?!?!? I used it last night!!!! WHO?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

I dug out my old telescope (an old broken telescope to begin with… would have loved to use it, but at the time I couldn’t figure out how to reattach the eye piece without creating vapors that would possibly damage the lens/mirrors.)

Sooo someone went to the one little entrance to my backyard in the dark and singled me out and took my tiny little telescope that was under my lounge chair…

Lesson learned ARGH!!!!! I hope they look at the sun directly through it.. the people who stole it… not their friends or relatives.

This weekend I’ll go through all my boxes in hope of finding the little missing eye piece and hopefully the wisdom to reattach it without ruining it. GRRR that is SO RUDE! Buy your own freaking telescope!

… okay, Jonathon woke up to my ‘grr’ and has advised me to ‘Be the Buddha’ as he’s going back to sleep to find the person who took it lol. Awww

Seriously, last night was the first night I broke it out and actually took the time to star gaze… the first time in years.

I will be the Buddha. There was a time over a decade ago when I had no clue what the planets looks like through a telescope… I still lived, if that’s what you called ‘living’.

Current Mood: UPSET!!!

So apparently part 1 of the SSI meeting for Jonathon just completed. They’re going to send me ANOTHER packet for me to return and then have us possibly refill out the medical release forms because apparently in Oregon now- a child over 15 needs to sign them… even though I stated he needs help signing his name. I understand those questions, but they get so intrusive and annoying “He’s quadriplegic, I do 100% of his care… I have to feed him, brush his teeth, blow his nose…” “Okay, well does he go in and wash dishes or wash and fold his clothes?”

So it was a long afternoon of answering the same things over and over again and after I receive and send in the next packet… they said it could take up to 120 days… BUT mainly because he’s at the cusp of adulthood so they might treat the medical portion as if he’s already an adult (which be nice because he’d be on an open card and his supplies would be paid for… but why so long????).

I also voiced my concern that if for whatever I am denied for now- when to apply for him as adult. Thankfully I was told because of his condition, he’s already gotten an open medical history- they’ll get the ball rolling on that.

So once more I was assured that as soon as the magic number 18 comes- he’s all taken care of.

I guess I was hoping for a one day decision and process (we had been denied SO long for so many years since my income was only… literally a few dollars over the income limit- BEFORE taxes and premiums were taken out… and trust me, here they take a lot out).

At least I got it over with and they didn’t deny me on the spot this time after wasting hours answering questions.

I’m sitting on my porch right now as I am writing this- and for the first time since I can remember, I don’t have myself on a time line. Normally my days are so rushed that I quickly run through each relaxation moment. “Quick, smell the rose and get back inside… okay, you don’t really have time to smell it- but take a pic of it with your cell phone so you give off the illusion that you’ve smelled a rose. (pause)… daisy. Damn I can’t tell those things a part any more.”

After I put Jonathon to bed I was about to rush outside under the stars for a quick look… but then it hit me, “Why?” So here I am, yes… on my computer blogging, but so far I’ve laid on the grass, I’ve soaked my feet in the 6″ kiddie wading pool and I’m watching fireworks go off across the freeway. This might be the last time for years I may find myself doing this- unless I retool life with this gift of time I’ve been given.

Seriously- the fireworks are glittering in the night sky, the silence around me is calming, I smell grass, and flowers, and the summer night. This is nice.

I have been so tense (rightfully so)… but now that my son’s SSI meeting is tomorrow and I’ve been given a nice safety net thanks to a pretty cool guy and I get to look at/read some really freaking fantastic stuff that I can’t talk about (but no… for the company spies… no worries, it’s not a job). Needless to say, I’m excited!

If a care provider pops up soon, yes, I’ll be thankful and happy to return to    the office where I sit in the pathetic little cubical with not even a full wall- where I can… Anyway…

This gift of time has started to set off an alarm clock. I’m slowly feeling myself wake up (could be due to my battle with insomnia that keeps coming and going- and finally adjusting to this temporary life)… brb… it’s wonderful sitting out here and all, but I have J’s waste can outside that really needs to be emptied… hard to get the enjoyments of *this* when I’m smelling *that*

I am back and that’s MUCH better. Back to where I was. Yes, it’s odd not being at work, and I’m still a little stressed- because I still don’t know what can happen and if I will be out of work the full summer. It’s just one of those situations: “Come what may”. I can’t take Jonathon to work with me. I can’t run into the building and grab my computer and just plug it in at home. I can’t force random strangers off the street to watch the most special person in the whole entire world to me. And I can’t create programs that just don’t exist (now anyway… you can freaking bet that although Jonathon turns 18 this year and it’s not going to be applicable any more- I will make freaking damn sure that there’s some thing in place for a single parent in this situation.) Hell- since there’s a freaking good chance I’ll get to work on Fam Z… once it takes off and perhaps I have a nice profit from it (and paying someone back and paying off bills, and maybe buying a little house) I’ll put a daycare facility together for children of special needs. Damn it people- the school district hires people to assist them for 8 hrs a day, where the hell are they during summer? Why is there nothing during vacations for these kids? Is it SO tough to get funding and people for a program for these same children the rest of the year? My son has an assistant Mon-Fri at school. He’s changed, fed, medicated, etc. …anyway, I won’t go off on it now, but my goal- even though this won’t be an issue (which will be good, I can approach it objectively) will be to create such a place.

I also want to create a cat sanctuary for stray cats…

It’s freaking after 10 and I’m blogging… WITHOUT GUILT! Okay, I have a little bit of guilt. I feel that although work won’t let me work, the state won’t really help out in this situation and my hands are in a way tied- I do feel a little bit of guilt that I’m not as stressed out as I was last week.

It’s nice taking care of my son… lol why doesn’t any one else want to??? He’s so funny and witty and huggable!! GAH!!!!

Alright, I’m going to put the computer down for a bit and dust off my old telescope.

Current Mood: Buddha