I’m sitting on my porch right now as I am writing this- and for the first time since I can remember, I don’t have myself on a time line. Normally my days are so rushed that I quickly run through each relaxation moment. “Quick, smell the rose and get back inside… okay, you don’t really have time to smell it- but take a pic of it with your cell phone so you give off the illusion that you’ve smelled a rose. (pause)… daisy. Damn I can’t tell those things a part any more.”
After I put Jonathon to bed I was about to rush outside under the stars for a quick look… but then it hit me, “Why?” So here I am, yes… on my computer blogging, but so far I’ve laid on the grass, I’ve soaked my feet in the 6″ kiddie wading pool and I’m watching fireworks go off across the freeway. This might be the last time for years I may find myself doing this- unless I retool life with this gift of time I’ve been given.
Seriously- the fireworks are glittering in the night sky, the silence around me is calming, I smell grass, and flowers, and the summer night. This is nice.
I have been so tense (rightfully so)… but now that my son’s SSI meeting is tomorrow and I’ve been given a nice safety net thanks to a pretty cool guy and I get to look at/read some really freaking fantastic stuff that I can’t talk about (but no… for the company spies… no worries, it’s not a job). Needless to say, I’m excited!
If a care provider pops up soon, yes, I’ll be thankful and happy to return to the office where I sit in the pathetic little cubical with not even a full wall- where I can… Anyway…
This gift of time has started to set off an alarm clock. I’m slowly feeling myself wake up (could be due to my battle with insomnia that keeps coming and going- and finally adjusting to this temporary life)… brb… it’s wonderful sitting out here and all, but I have J’s waste can outside that really needs to be emptied… hard to get the enjoyments of *this* when I’m smelling *that*
I am back and that’s MUCH better. Back to where I was. Yes, it’s odd not being at work, and I’m still a little stressed- because I still don’t know what can happen and if I will be out of work the full summer. It’s just one of those situations: “Come what may”. I can’t take Jonathon to work with me. I can’t run into the building and grab my computer and just plug it in at home. I can’t force random strangers off the street to watch the most special person in the whole entire world to me. And I can’t create programs that just don’t exist (now anyway… you can freaking bet that although Jonathon turns 18 this year and it’s not going to be applicable any more- I will make freaking damn sure that there’s some thing in place for a single parent in this situation.) Hell- since there’s a freaking good chance I’ll get to work on Fam Z… once it takes off and perhaps I have a nice profit from it (and paying someone back and paying off bills, and maybe buying a little house) I’ll put a daycare facility together for children of special needs. Damn it people- the school district hires people to assist them for 8 hrs a day, where the hell are they during summer? Why is there nothing during vacations for these kids? Is it SO tough to get funding and people for a program for these same children the rest of the year? My son has an assistant Mon-Fri at school. He’s changed, fed, medicated, etc. …anyway, I won’t go off on it now, but my goal- even though this won’t be an issue (which will be good, I can approach it objectively) will be to create such a place.
I also want to create a cat sanctuary for stray cats…
It’s freaking after 10 and I’m blogging… WITHOUT GUILT! Okay, I have a little bit of guilt. I feel that although work won’t let me work, the state won’t really help out in this situation and my hands are in a way tied- I do feel a little bit of guilt that I’m not as stressed out as I was last week.
It’s nice taking care of my son… lol why doesn’t any one else want to??? He’s so funny and witty and huggable!! GAH!!!!
Alright, I’m going to put the computer down for a bit and dust off my old telescope.
Current Mood:
Buddha
