When you hit a certain age, you notice the little things- such as the selection of available men. It’s like the last call crowd at the bar. Depending on your age, the last call night moves from the last call selection on a Friday night… to the last call selection on a Tuesday night.

You start to realize there is a reason these men were never functional in a relationship, or were even in a relationship for that matter. You can tell which ones were the divorcers… and which ones got kicked out of the relationship. How? The ones who opted for divorce are already married again and off the market.

This is what I’ve observed on the sidelines of life while I’m trying to figure out what I want. Granted not all chronic single men are losers, but those are few and friends of mine. In fairness for them- the women they have to select from are much like the men I have to choose… and their choices and my choices should all hook up and live dysfunctionally ever after.

Let me start the classifications.

Ugly, poor, and dull. These are the fillers in society. They must remain as fillers. Please don’t allow them to procreate. They are the Vegas sperm. They got lucky by getting a shot at life. Let them enjoy their existence via being occupying a stool at the local bar and cruising the porn sites. (points to my upstairs neighbor)

The displaced husband. Upper middle class men with zero personalities who were rejected by their wives, so they wander around aimlessly in search of a replacement. I’ve no idea how many of these I went on a first date with… and left it at that. Women, if you’re going to throw away your husbands, please give them back their independent thought before you unleash them back into the wild and PLEASE try to deprogram them. Most females feel creeped out by a man who offers to massage their feet on the first date and offer to be Mr. Fixit. And ewww to a first date calling you ‘honey’ or ‘sweetie’.

The play-uh. The complete ADD metro-sexual who can be a complete weekend blast when you keep up with them. But don’t try to find the layers, there are none.

The newly stung divorced man. He’s a cynic. Skeptical, assumes his ex-wives traits are yours. If someone has been divorced for less than a year or going through a divorce. Just stay away. He’s still a displaced husband with major relationship issues he’ll more than likely put on to you. There *could* be hope, but don’t stick around to find out. Perhaps you’ll meet him later on down the road when he has his head together and you can begin a decent relationship… perhaps not.

Ya know, I think that’s about it. I was thinking about the wonderful creative geniuses I’ve dated where the passion was something you couldn’t compare and… well they were much younger than me and untainted by a previous marriage… which the genius/creative types also have the ADD issue where you’re so dizzy by their scattered energy and the passion that can burn so hot- quickly and rapidly burns out, they’re gone and you’re left wondering what the hell just happened and trying to remember where the last three months of your life went. Toxic.

All the good ones *are* married or moved away. I really do hope the East Coast has a better selection.

Thanks Jesse for putting this in my head today lol

Speaking of good ones- Happy birthday to a couple of my friends. One I fortunately was able to wish a wonderful birthday and send a present to, the other… poofed, but I still wish both the best and the best entrance to a wonderful year…  EVER.

In Salem news, me- a local resident gets stuck on a video game and makes a dent in my hair color.

When I approached myself about my video gaming issue, the only thought I could muster was, “I don’t get it. I really don’t get it. Have you ever played a game that for the most part you kick major arse, then there’s one spot. One tiny little spot that apparently is easy. Numbingly easy and you can’t seem to get past it.”

Yes. Yes I have.

Continuing on in my thoughts, “I’m stuck on God of War 2 trying to free Pegasus. I’ve unleashed my rage of the Titans on each finger- getting them to go up… but tonight I’m not fast enough!!!!!!!!!!! Why must the thumb be so far away? I love this game, but I hate how stupid I’ve become!”

Become? Oh what a silly woman I am. I entered the realms of idiocracy when I got stuck on a Nicktoons game. It’s all that damned jumping!

Fret not, I do have strategy in the works: Later tonight when I approach it from a calm/casual manner, it’ll probably take me two seconds and I’ll laugh at my past self. “Oh you silly girl. I cant believe *this* is the part that had you frustrated.”

-Hair Update-

My hair is *much* lighter than it was when I got home from work. I think it’s a medium/light auburn, pretty much what I expected. It’s the color where I can either decided to full out go ahead with the blond… or I can just keep it this way.

It’s actually the first color I ever had (when dying my hair). It was the summer before my Jr. year and I was staying the weekend at my best friends house. I was *bent* on being a blond (and very risky too considering coloring my hair was forbidden). Sooooo I walked to Handy Andy’s with my friend, pulled a bottle of blond off the shelf and quickly headed back to her place. I remember pulling the towel off my head and letting out a shrill blood curdling scream. Her dad ran into the bathroom (it was the middle of the day) and he started cracking up.

Through wet red hair, I looked at him at said I was trying to go blond. He smirked, “Well I always did think it was God’s cruel joke to make you a brunette.”

I cried over the phone to my mother as I told her what I did, hoping she’d help. She wasn’t quite as angry as I thought she would be. Instead, through her own fits of laughter and me describing my hair as ‘Ronald McDonald’ (it wasn’t THAT bad) my punishment was having to leave it the way it was.

Surprisingly it wound up going over pretty well with people, especially the guys.

But that’s what I thought of when I took off my towel and I looked at myself through wavy auburn locks that were supposed to have been blond.

Back to the game… I’m *so* close!!! Build up rage- unleash… fingers go up one by one… I need to get the timing out of my head. I wind up tripping myself up when I focus on that.

I WILL be the God of War!

Update: Right after I blogged this, I went back and tried it again. It took two seconds!!!! YES! I *AM* the  of God of War!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Okay, back to the slaughter.

The Theft System went off again keeping me stranded for 10 minutes while I was trying to make it home. GR.

I had to get that out of the way. Has anyone else ever come across that annoying issue?

It’s painful to sit there for ten minutes, watching ‘Theft System’ blink, looking at my cell phone clock… looking at the flashing light and then waiting for it to go away. Ten minutes seems endless, especially in the middle of summer. Stupid heat coming from that glowing orb in the sky. I shake my fist at you!

There’s also another thing that has me a little puzzled. I received a notice from the Dept of Revenue wanting to issue me a check because I never cashed my check from 2005. I have to arch my brow at this. I can’t recall the last time I received anything back from the IRS. If the Dept of Ed doesn’t snatch it away, I typically OWE state taxes.

I think it’s either a set up for some weird reason, or it’s the next plot of the Russian Reality TV show I swear I star in.

So tell me comrades, what is the money *really* for. What am I *supposed* to spend it on if I really do get it? What will happen oh script writers of my life????

I arch my brow at you!

Anyway, I am safely home now and I’m in the middle of coloring my hair *again*. Yesterday I put the blondest blond of all that is blond – and it did nothing but give me a few reddish highlights. I’m going for it again! NEVER GIVE UP, NEVER SURRENDER!

I scowl my face at you oh color Gods.

Welcome to my Sunday morning. Late morning actually.

Last night was pretty sedate after I decided to try out an audio blog. I’d do one now if the television wasn’t blaring ‘Ben 10 Alien Force’ (good episode), the dryer is tumbling my clothes in the background and a needy cat is meowing for my attention.

My exciting Saturday night was spent on my lounge chair with a cup of hot tea in hand while I stared at the darkening sky. Clouds were inching their way across my line of sight and I wondered where their journey would take them. Would they drift across the sky and lord over new places or would they dissipate as soon as I lost interest or could no longer see them?

I was so caught up in the delightful rare silence in my area that I didn’t hear my phone playing the Imperial March/Darth Vader telling me that the dark side was calling *sorry Chel!*

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I then went inside and poured myself some wine and watched Memento.

This week I’m going to print up the instructions for disabling my Anti-Theft System and just do it (something about clipping a yellow wire when the car is on)- I’m doing to die, aren’t I? And then I’ll say good-bye to July.

Now onto the ‘Single Life”. Sometimes I wonder what life would be like if I didn’t have an independent streak that scares suitors away. I long for companionship, but I’m self reliant. It makes for even more slim pickings. I think instinctively most (not all) men want to be with a woman who relies on them. Helpless without them perhaps. I’m needy! But only when things become too overwhelming and it’d be nice to shift some of the burden over “Can you please take care of the car so I can fix the washer and do the grocery shopping, take care of Jonathon, wash clothes, fix meals, clean up after the cats, take care of the bills, and do my hair?” It’d help me not to fantasize about being in a fetal position for five minutes so I can get my head together and tackle stuff once I’m finished sucking my thumb. I think for the most part I expect people to leave so I never get into the habit of getting used to them, let alone counting on them.

The single person may find themselves in awkward situations now and then because our lives are a little bit more grey than the coupled person. We are not the moral police for others. Guilt is something we bring upon ourselves- but it’s not necessary. Unless you intentionally go out of your way to hurt someone… than most negative emotions are pointless.

Although we miss some of the things that others take for granted and there’s definitely a downside there are certain perks that make up for it. What are those perks? If you’re a coupled person, then you probably know what they are- ‘Quiet time’, ‘Not answering to anyone for your actions’, ‘Making a decision without someone second guessing you or causing you to feel inadequate for that decision’, ‘Watching what you want’, ‘Wearing what you want’, ‘Going where you want and not having to tell anyone where you’ve been.’

I don’t believe in a hell. I’ve no eyes to judge me other than my own. I can’t care what other people decide to do or not do with their lives. I don’t judge other people and I expect the same consideration. If they do opt to judge me then it’s still not my concern. How it must suck to have so little of a life where you must obsess about someone else.

I don’t party nor do I care to. I don’t do street drugs or anything illegal- and I don’t even date. I’m not a mean person and I’d never inflict pain or misery on another person intentionally (sometimes my conversations can be so painfully boring that I unintentionally inflict misery). There are a million secrets of others that I’m taking to my grave and for the most part, I prefer to be a bonus in life as opposed to a bane. I think I’ve earned the right to a few moments here and there where I don’t have to be the saint of the world.

Tonight’s agenda: I just finished bringing my hair down a shade or two, showered, refreshed and smelling like raspberries. I’ve no idea what I want to do with my evening. Things have been pretty quiet on this end for a while and it’s just been me inside my own head once the eight o’clock hour chimes. More wine, more sitting on my back porch, more film or more writing. Perhaps all four.