Another week winds down and begins with my heart begging for mercy. It’s crying, “Enough with taking on the stress already!” 

I’ve been trying.  I’ve been on a spiritual quest of sorts trying to get some of this burden off of me so I can breathe without restriction. I need a lightening of the soul and some mental assist. SOMETHING. My home life is fine, it’s work that’s been turning me into a ball of raw nerves where my self esteem is non existent. My memory is shot, my everything is shot and for the first time in my life I’ve carried it with me long after I’ve punched out. I can’t seem to get it together!!!I had a fun little dinner with the kids last night, egg coloring, giving of baskets and doing all I could to take it easy and have a nice weekend. As soon as Ash and her boyfriend left and Jonathon went to bed- I was once more wound up and sitting on the edge of my sofa screaming inside my head at me, “RELAX DAMN IT!” Finally at 11 in the evening I called the only people who I knew would be up- My folks. Sure enough they were my nephew out and about running errands. I talked and laughed with my mother until 1 in the morning and the wine I was drinking led me to sleep. I woke up about 7 in the morning and laid in my bed,  staring at the ceiling until Jonathon called from the other room indicating he was awake. It was a peaceful morning, but without even a sip of coffee my heart was pounding and I felt sick to my stomach again. I couldn’t recall the last time I didn’t feel this pain. So I pulled up some old habits from the days of yore that helped me find my center. I searched for helpful words. I tried Buddhism, New Age, Philosophy, comics; and the words that made me feel at ease were found on a Christian Indian website- Heavenly Father!I thank You for the job You have given me! I consider it as a great gift from You.Yet Lord, You know the stress I am undergoing in my job. Sometimes I feel like just quitting due to the heavy pressures and responsibilities pushed upon me. I seem to have lost all my strength and I am struggling to cope up with the world Lord! Your word says that You love the prosperity of Your children. So, please be with me and bless all my efforts so that I can excel in my career. Grant me Your grace, which is sufficient to carry me through the most difficult times at my work-spot. Let me find favour in the eyes of my authorities! I plead for Your divine wisdom and strength to tide over the problem that crop-up in my job. Keep me in perfect peace O Lord so that I may do my work with freedom and bring glory to Your name. I know You will do it because You are the one who relieves me whenever I am in distress. I give You all the glory! In Jesus’ name – I pray.Amen. When I was little I had blind faith and I was considered very religious.  I used to speak with God and my belief system was fear based. When I got older I had conversations with God and threw away the religion because fear had no place. I could not believe in a hell that was taught, nor spiritual punishment. I considered myself spiritual. When I got married and was miserable, I had to seek a certain strength that hardened me enough to leave- so I studied a variety of belief systems until I had none. Religion and beliefs seemed illogical, irrational, unfounded- make believe gone too far. But it was a way to cope and find strength when just turning inward at your own resources wasn’t enough. I miss that inner peace though and I long to find it again. There was a comfort in thinking a higher power was watching over me to assist and to turn my eyes towards places I couldn’t see on my own.Missing that feeling and comfort- I whispered, “Are you listening?” and I heard a chuckling reply “I’m still here, I never left, I never will.” I can analyze that a million different ways along with interpretations, but the moment I listened and heard, the rain clouds went away and a clear blue sky ushered me into the evening. Right now in my life I need some Neosporin for the soul.  

This weekend didn’t go exactly as planned. It never does when you don’t have a set agenda.

I’ve just taken my nightly dose of pills that assist in taking care of my cats- allergy pills… although something a little stronger would do the needful, but that’s not my style.

I didn’t watch any films, I didn’t play any games and I didn’t read any books. Friday night I had the annoyance of thinking I was talking with a friend, but the converation kept going back to a detail of a story dealing with my misadventure of helping build a race car- a piece of the story where a rotating wire brush hit my face, bounced off and shredded my silk blouse (I was in the garage inquiring the days agenda before I went up and changed into the jumpsuit). Yes. Shirt was shredded. Get freaking over it. It was a freaking detail of feeling like my face was ripped off, that and it was my favorite blouse. Needless to say I’m disappointed and not surprised.

Saturday Jonathon and I played some Cranium games which was pretty fun and funny, and then we did the Thriller dance before I posted it to AG (the 13+ minute video, not me dancing to Thriller). I gladly avoided talking to anyone and additionally I avoided working on my e-mail issue. My apologies to anyone who has written or has been expecting me to write back.

I know I stayed up pretty late flipping through channels, but that was the most exciting grown up thing I did all weekend. I watched a little of Mad TV, a little of SNL in between viewing HGTV- and then off to slumberland.

 Obviously today I had a little of the redesign bug back today. I wanted to breathe life back to my old MysticalDawn.com girls (the one in my banner). It took a little bit of time to revive them, group them and make a banner that didn’t annoy me. With that I decided to go with a new site look so I can go full force with my Advice Column. I’ve opted to turn each question into it’s own post under the page of Advice. I was messing with comment codes through out the day and my old lay out couldn’t handle it. My new one has better features, but I could not soften up the hard coding enough to make it work. Given a little more time, I’m sure I could, but there are 2 dozen style sheets and the little piece of coding that has been holding me back cannot be found. I opt to have a life and forget about making the comments a little more advice column friendly.

 So there you have it. My weekend has been sedate and yet busy.

Feel free to spill about your own so I can be green with envy and filled with ideas for the next weekend… which the next weekend is my Grandfather’s birthday. I just got the invite in my snail mail and ACK! I wound up having to take out a small loan to keep my electricity on and the loan won’t renew on Friday (I had made sure of it), so I won’t be able to get up there to celebrate. HOPEFULLY he’ll get my card and allow a visit over the summer… when I can use a cell phone to avoid getting lost like I’ve been really prone to do lately.

 BAD timing! I’m also trying to figure out next months airport issue. I’m going to NYC on the morning of April 16th, and I can find a way there- it’s finding a way back that I haven’t been able to secure. If I opt to drive myself (which is preferred) it’d cost me almost $100 bucks to park. UNFORTUNATELY I’m flying back the evening in which everyone I know works early the next morning!

So a weekend wrap up- annoyed at not being able to make it at a family function in which I expect everyone to expect me not to show up and I hate that. I love my family, but so much time and distance has happened that I feel like a family failure when it comes to keeping bonds. I had sent holiday cards, written e-mails and no reponses to either. I’ve no idea if it’s me, the postal system and my web hosting company… or if it’s me. Give me the illusion that it’s the first two.

Weekend wrap up. The pills are kicking in, my vision is getting blurring and I’m being told by my body that it’s time to fall asleep- so I shall. I can’t believe I spent all freaking day on changing the look of this thing and I’ll bet everyone will prefer the old one.

It’s 7pm, do you know where *you* are right now?

Another long day and I’m torn between “TGIF!” and “I’ve got WAY too much work to do still!”

Currently I’m sitting in front of my non-Mac grinning to myself because I know what 9pm will bring: A new episode of Reaper

YES! It’s about freaking time. I was beginning to grow bored of stale reruns. This of course will occupy my mind this evening and then this weekend I need to fix my e-mail client.

Enough about that! Reaper. It’s not the greatest show on Earth, but these days I’ll take what I can get. As long as it’s not a mansion with a washed up has been having a bunch of mentally unstable skanks vying for their attention or what have you- I’ll watch it.

I’ve also come to realize that perhaps my purpose for being on this planet is to serve as a warning for others.

I can’t recall what prompted the conversation this morning that had me reflecting on where I am in life and what useful advice I can give out to people… but here it is:

I can’t tell you how to have the perfect relationship, a good relationship or even a relationship that lasts a full season… HOWEVER, I can shell out advice on surviving a break up, what to do when you attract losers, how to deal with losers, and how to ultimately be okay going it alone… and how to make wicked voodoo dolls of your ex’s that you can burn and stab over and over and over and over again without dulling your blade or cinging your finger nails.

By observing me you can find out all the things NOT to say or do should you wish your decent guy will just *POOF* away. On the other side of the same coin, you will find all the ways to keep the ones you WANT to go away pestering you until they find another obsession.

I can’t tell you how to have hordes of friends- HOWEVER, I can tell you how to thrive on one or two good ones. How to avoid the toxic group mentalities and how not to wind up in a tsunami of drama. All you need is your own little circle of friends that is composed of mainly lightly cinged voodoo dolls that you made of your ex’s.

I can’t tell you how to get rich/wealthy (what ever you want to call it), HOWEVER, I can show you how to pinch a penny, how to shop a lot on very little and still manage to gain weight although you barely eat, and how to make edible voodoo dolls of your ex’s that you place on a skewer… I must get off the voodoo doll kick.

You get my point though. I may not be an example of how to make it big in the world, but I can be an example or role model of how to make the most of your lack luster life without being an annoying, obnoxious Pollyanna (I actually adored the movie though) type who turns to religion or some unrealistic mentality that could only be obtained by prescription drugs (think kumbayah stuff).

You too can be contently “meh”.

Granted that’s not where I wish to remain in my life and I do want *more* and *better* and at some point *extremely happy goo goo eye love stuff*, but in the meantime if you follow my lead you won’t be led off a cliff or into the dark corners of a depressive state- The latter naturally tends to happen from merely interacting with me.

***

That is my daily recap and my agenda for this evening. Oooh- I wonder if I should start an advice column. “Real advice for real questions that really want to be answered… really.”

A friend at work was talking to me the other day. He said that up in heaven I was part of a bunch of girls who were being sent down to Japan to be part of a J-pop group. Along the way I hit a cloud and bounced to America.

I yee’ed and said, “Oooh fluffy cloud bounce and I landed in Tacoma Washington. Happy happy fluffy cloud bounce!”

And he doesn’t even visit my site. =^_^=

I was brought off my cloud thought later when I read my horoscope outloud and said I was supposed to meet with a group of fellow Virgos. He said that would entail friends and online chat groups don’t count. I quickly defended myself by saying “I don’t have online groups of friends…” and then I pouted and went back to work.

Today I walked into a quick stop type store and had the ego needed truck full of really young guys giving me the double, triple shy take… starting to do the alpha male showing off and giving me the type of look that makes you want to cover yourself although you’re fully clothed… if not overly clothed. I was flattered and appalled. As I was feeling violated getting into my car, I did the hair flip by taking advantage of the wind and my billowing blouse, exaggerated my movements getting into my seat and then thought, “Men are such pigs.” as I drove away and heard them rev up while leaving and catching them staring back at me with that primal smile.

Flirtations are fun. …don’t judge, my romantic life has been so non eventful that I make nun’s look like sluts.

Someone came up to me today and remarked “Your hair has gotten longer. Good job!”

I looked at him puzzled and could only respond with “Thank you? It happens from breathing in and out daily and not cutting it.”

“Awesome! Keep doing that!”

I discussed this with a friend on break at work and then we started to discuss which hair color looks best on me. At the end of the conversation of tresses and hues, he asked when the precise moment was that he turned gay. I shrugged and asked him to quickly tell me what was decoratively wrong with the cafeteria. He paused, looked around as if he were truly thinking it over- then he damned me and walked away.
This was after he noted that I was up in the heavens- a part of a J-pop girl band and as they were sent to Japan, I hit a fluffy cloud and bounced happily to the U.S. “Wheeee! Happy fluffy cloud time!” I couldn’t disagree.
I wanted to throw that out there.
I’m also on a mad mission to pretend I’m using a Mac. I’ve installed a Safari browser and I’ve matched Thunderbird to look like it. I have a basket full of apples on my end table and I say “Mac” a lot.
Windows is a decision I regret daily.
Mentally I go back to the mid-90′s and I review myself purchasing my computer system. I was so young and moronic. I didn’t even really want a computer, I didn’t think I’d use the computer… I mean seriously, “What would I do with it?”Windows seemed standard and did the needful for the needless.
If only I could turn back the hands of time.I used to have the mentality of, “My experiences make me who I am today.” I now know how wrong I was. I’m half the person I should be all because of Windows.
I bet if you have a Mac you don’t have to go by daylight saving time. I bet Mac users also have dates and their socks don’t holes in odd places. Bill Gates, you’ve ruined my social life.
Another odd observant in the past 24 hours. I’ve realized that 3 of three high school boyfriends are now married, Morman and living in Idaho. I’m not sure what that means… Coincidence? Do they all go to the same temple and not know they have me in common? I hope the latter because that would mean there isn’t an “I hate Dawn club” that was formed by ex-boyfriends… until they read this and realize that it’s a good idea and needed.
Tonight I’m going to view American Idol and I’m looking forward to it. I’ve officially become mainstream.
Please kill me?

Dear Dawn,

It’s me… you. Sort of you. I’m you many years from now and if you’re reading this, then I’ve found a way to send letters to myself in the past. There are theories about time and space travel, perhaps I found a way to reach through and give you a heads up on life. Obviously I have. You’re smart enough in which I’m sure you’ll understand all I’m going to tell you, despite the boring fact there won’t be any pictures or drawings attached.

I won’t reveal too much as some things need to be experienced first hand. Hopefully many of those things can be avoided by pausing now and then and thinking before you act and never do anything because you’re scared of what people might think of you if you don’t. Trust me, all those people who you had felt intimidated by were faded memories shortly after never to be seen or heard from again.

1. You are not ugly, stupid or weird. You’re just a little shy and insecure and you need to get over that. People are too worried about themselves to focus on you.
2. That guy you had a crush on all through out elementary school (Greg Veltkamp), yeah… you crushed on him until Jr. High. He rendered you speechless, fumbling, clumsy, causing you to blush, and preoccupied your mind 90% of the time. No worries. He never asks you out, you move away and you never see him again. He never thought you were a dork though and not once was he ever mean to you (I know you always worried about that). It’s healthy to have a crush, it’s not healthy to allow it to consume you. He was cute though, but trust me, you’ll meet and date much cuter guys through out the years. That’s right- YOU WILL KISS A BOY! Several actually and none of them think you’re an ugly stupid dork either. (okay, maybe you can be a little dorky, but I like to call it quirky and adorable.)
3. No matter how tough things might seem at home, it’s tougher out in the big world. You’ll wind up discovering that the hard way first hand. I’m not sure how to advise you there. I know why you felt the need to escape and the dangers you faced by doing so. Just be careful… okay?
4. Ponytail. You’ll scoff at your mother’s year book pictures but you have to believe me on this- in the 80’s we didn’t get the styles right. Pull your hair back in a ponytail and keep it that way until the 90’s. You can do it. AVOID THE FADS.
5. Talk to a counselor about learning alternatives. You’re a very smart girl and there are ways to excel in school. You aren’t dumb, you learn differently. To be honest, you’re probably smarter than 95% of the people in your school. Sadly, unless you seek help you’ll never realize your potential and you’ll shut yourself out of a higher education that you truly deserve and could have benefited from.
6. Never stop drawing or writing. When you get your first computer and you transfer your first book onto it… DO NOT THROW AWAY THE MANUSCRIPT and save it to a disk as you go along. You probably have no idea what that means, but sear it in your mind and remember it.
7. You will experience a lot of grief, sadness and sorrow. You already have. It’s a part of life. You aren’t jinxed or cursed. People die and people go away, but don’t allow that to keep you from getting close to people who want to be a part of your life. Enjoy every day and moment with the people who are around you. If you opt to shut people out, by the time you finally allow your walls to come down, there will be no one to let in. You’ll encounter many moments in which you could really use a friend and it’s more difficult to be in this journey if you go it alone.
8. You’ll age gracefully, but ease up on the junk food. It’s true what they say, “A moment on the lips a life time on the hips.” No worries, you’ll never become obese, but you’ll have some trouble spots that cause you to hide in the shade during swim suit season.
9. If you meet a boy named Jay when you’re 13- STAY AWAY. Just stay away. He’s like your Greg Veltkamp, but worse… and he’s interested in you, but not the way you deserve. You don’t need more scholastic distractions! You’ll wind up life long friends with him, but nothing more and believe me when I say, “That’s a good thing.”
10. OH- when you shop for your first computer- get a MAC.
11. I could tell you all the men to stay away from, but I think by following #9, you may not have to worry about falling for the rest.
12. Ease up on yourself. You’re your own worst critic and you aren’t as bad as you think. Through the years you won’t find yourself growing brighter and stronger, you’ll merely allow yourself to shine.

From some of the choices you’ve made- I’m writing this as a divorced 36 year old woman who has had ONE date in the past three years. Two kids (one who is almost 20… do the math) I love them with my entire soul, but I was never able to provide for them the way they deserve. I work at an unappreciative job in Salem Oregon (yeah- Oregon… I never heard of it before either and there are reasons for that). If you wind up finding yourself basing where you spend your future by spinning a globe and you’ll go where your finger lands- Take the freaking New York or Chicago job. Don’t opt for starting from scratch in a town you will NOT like… ever.

I love you and I’m always proud of you. There’s a lot to love and to be proud of, but I feel for the most part our life was made more difficult than it should have been. Keep day dreaming, talking to the animals and never lose that spark- just don’t ignore the world around you. It needs you as much you as you need it- ever part of it.

OH! Eat all the ice cream and oranges you can because when you turn 17 or 18 you’ll develop an allergy and intolerance. Shhhh… don’t cry… maybe if you didn’t I really would have wound up unhealthily obese. AND if it makes you feel better, you do wind up as tall and taller than your brothers and dad. Yeah, if you *wanted* to you could totally kick their butts!

It’s day five hundred zillion and twenty three of doing nothing productive.

The time is 9:06

I’m watching a movie

Stan is watching the fish

Mila is eating food

Stan notices me taking pictures of Mila and he shoves his way in front of the camera

I induldge him

This is my life.

Bombs are going off some where.

Children are starving, perhaps a block away.

Someone is dreading their spouse coming home.

Someone is dreading their parent coming home.

Someone drank the water.

A person is getting arrested.

A person was just shot.

Someone is pleading for their life.

Someone is taking their life.

A person is expecting someone to show up.

Someone is standing someone up.

People are making out.

Several people are making out.

Several people are making out at once.

A few hearts were just broken.

And I’m still watching a movie.

I’m good with that.