There are good weeks, there are crappy weeks and then there are bad weeks.
A bad week: Tragic, life threatening, something out of your worst nightmare, or even more horrible- fresh out of the nightmare from that psychotic kid you shared a home room with. Example: Your home burns down with your beloved pets and beloved parents inside. A jet engine crashes through your childs bedroom while they’re alseep. Your devoted spouse announces they are leaving you for your grandparent and they are going to give birth to a love child. You try out a new soap and your flesh melts off.
Crappy week: Meh. Unpleasant. Possibly life changing and definitely mood altering.
This week was the latter. It’s funny how something unpleasant can shift your mind into an out of control spiral that roots itself into all aspects of your life. This week it started with a snow day. Or rather it was a lack of a snow day. What was the trigger? Control or lack of control.When the weather posed a threat in the area that cringes at anything but rain, the school district shut down forcing me to remain home with my child. Of course this isn’t a bad thing per se, but I needed to be at work. It was Monday and I was more than ready to leave the house and be out in the corporate world. No mouths to feed, no litter boxes to clean, no furry little creatures crawling all over me. Not to mention that due to 4 random illness in the past six months, I needed to be careful about sick days.I was annoyed with my presence at home and the gung ho closure the district took. A two hour delay would have sufficed and no one would have been in danger. I sulked as I looked out the window, peering at the green grass that mocked me and the inability to get to my job that I relied on to assist me in trading skill for money. I shoulda coulda enjoyed the day because there was nothing else to do, but I didn’t. I allowed it to get the better of me and the annoyance obviously became a poison for the rest of the week. Lack of control.
I arrived at work the next morning and the first thing I read was an e-mail from my daughter announcing that she’s expecting. Ugh. She doesn’t live at home but still I found myself being knocked down and feeling that poison continue through my veins. There’s no control over the situation.
As evening approached, snow began to fall from the sky blanketing my world for a night. It was peaceful, serene and something needed. I felt emotionally spent. As I lay down in bed, I watched the snow melt while I drifted off to sleep.
The next morning I woke up to another school closure. WHY? The snow was melted leaving a morning of messy slush, but give it two hours and it’ll be gone! I was stuck at home again and feeling mentally exhausted. No control.
Thursday I of course am fed my medicine of having to stay home with Jonathon due to the school closures. With merely a defeated shrug I signed the written warning and went on my way home. It stung, but there was nothing I could have done.
Friday I was letting it get the best of me, especially when my boss lashed out at me like an irrational parent berating a small child needlessly. The more I tried to be diplomatic because of an issue that was not in my control, the more she saw me as having an attitude and then ignored me. I dropped my white flag and plowed through my day squinting to see the end of the work week in sight so I could once more return home and hide away for a bit. This is not me, this is not my normal self, but I felt too beaten to do anything motivating or productive. I popped in The Brothers Grimm and fell asleep.
Another morning intruded itself into my life as I maintained the same defeated attitude, yet more rested. You can tell when your soul is bruised a little bit and rather than pouring medicine on it or building it up, you merely want to lay down and wait for it to slowly heal on its own without taking measures to ensure it will. Woe is me, life sucks, I want to be a zombie and eat brains.
My youngest cat knocked down a scratching board laced with catnip and soon began to zoom all over the apartment knocking down some potted plants. After placing the hyper cat in the other room, I laid on the sofa and watched cartoons with Jonathon waiting for my coffee to kick in enough so that I could clean up the soil that covered everything in the sitting room. White pillows, a hope chest, the surrounding carpet and my sketch pads were all polluted with the soil. I threw the pillows in the wash and as soon as I turned on my vacuum cleaner to combat the mess; a plume of black smoke began to choke me, the smell of burning rubber toxified my senses and I quickly pulled the plug out of the wall and opened the windows. My vacuum cleaner had caught on fire.
It’s amazing how a mental state can affect everything in your path, throwing more obstacles in your way as a chance to rise above them, and when you don’t… you encounter more until you finally muster up the strength to face it all and regain that control you feel you lost. You may not have control over the situation, but you do have control over how you choose to approach it, work through it or adapt to it. When you give up control over one thing, you soon lose your footing in everything.
There is a line from a book I recently began to read called “Damselflies”: A character was complaining that when he lost his wife to a tragic death, he lacked the courage to die by his own hand. Another character mentioned, “Nay, but you have had the courage to live.”
A couple of days ago when I was feeling soured on the pride my father had in me for merely surviving and doing the needful, I was miffed because I thought you should be commended for more than that. I felt the bar has to be set higher! Strive for better, don’t receive brownie points for just existing! Today I do see it as an accomplishment. It does take courage to face life as a mentor and elder, to care for you and yours as no one else can or will. There is strength and certain admiration for those who don’t hide within a bad relationship to avoid braving the world on their own.
”Shallow men believe in luck. Strong men believe in cause and effect.” Ralph Waldo Emerson
