Miss Conduct’s indispensable guide to a jolly season.
ASKING AN ADVICE COLUMNIST HER OPINION of the holiday season is rather like asking an emergency room physician her opinion of motorcycles. We rarely hear about the times when things work out well. I have never, for example, gotten a letter like this:
Dear Miss Conduct, I just wanted to write and tell you what a great Christmas our family had. All the family members loved their presents, and the shopping came in well under budget this year! Uncle Sid from the Jewish side made his famous latkes and sang a hilarious version of “The Hanukkah Song.” Chandra, our new sister-in-law from India, looked beautiful in her red-and-green sari and said she was amazed at how much Christmas and Diwali have in common. The kids behaved like little angels and, best of all, Mom stayed sober the whole day!
No, I don’t get very many letters like that. Don’t get me wrong: The holiday season can inspire joy, generosity, playfulness, indulgence, nostalgia, spiritual renewal, and love. But it can also be difficult for the bereaved, members of minority religions, the unhappily single, the unhappily married, those who desperately want children and don’t have them, people with difficult children, people with difficult parents, people who are broke or in debt, those struggling with their weight, recovering addicts, teachers and students facing end-of-semester deadlines, anyone who works in the retail, travel, or service industries, and everyone with close friends or relatives in any of the above categories.
In short, all of us. Which is why approaching the holidays in the spirit of Murphy’s Law, grim though it may sound on the surface, ultimately makes sense. Here, then, are some tips to avoid the most common missteps and make the holidays what we all want them to be. Let’s start with the elephant in the room.
For Christmas People: There Is No “War on Christmas,” So Get Over It. Last year, a group of loudmouths decided to make a big fuss about a nonexistent “War on Christmas,” the major point of which, as far as anyone could tell, was that people were occasionally being wished “Happy Holidays” and that religious displays in public squares were correctly identified as such. Christians were urged to fight this “war” by sticking proudly to their guns and wishing everyone around them a Merry, Militant Christmas. This is utterly ridiculous – and utterly against the spirit of Christmas. As a religious holiday, Christmas celebrates the miracle of God entering the world as an infant born in a stable: naked, poor, and powerless. The most beloved secular myths of Christmas are also about treating the poor (Bob Cratchit), the different (Rudolph), and the humble (Charlie Brown’s Christmas tree) with respect and compassion. So how about showing a little of that Christmas spirit to others who don’t celebrate as you do? Particularly, don’t get snooty with salesclerks who wish you “Happy Holidays.” You’re not standing up for any grand principle when a clerk says “Happy Holidays,” and you respond “Merry Christmas!” in a snarky tone. You’re just being mean to people who probably make $6.75 an hour, so stop it.
Know That “Happy Holidays” Is PC – Plain Courtesy. Saying “Happy Holidays” doesn’t mean that you’re denying your religion or cultural practices; it means you’re being considerate to others who might not share them. (Or that you’re covering Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year’s for people whom you don’t see that often.) That said, if you do know what holiday someone celebrates, it’s rather silly not to wish him or her a nice specific one. When the Cohens show up at the Mahoneys’ annual December party, a round of stilted “Happy Holidays” at party’s end sounds a bit ridiculous. Better for the Mahoneys to wish their guests “Happy Hanukkah” and the Cohens to wish their hosts a “Merry Christmas.” A diverse city like Boston includes more than just Christians and Jews, and “Happy Holidays” works fine if you’re not sure what, if anything, someone celebrates. (It’s not always simple. Some non-Christians celebrate Christmas as a secular holiday, and some Christians do not celebrate Christmas.) Whatever your religion or lack thereof, chances are you’re getting some time off in November or December or bonus pay for working, so “Happy Holidays” is appropriate.
For Non-Christmas People: You’re in the Minority, So Get Over It. Being wished “Merry Christmas” is hardly the same thing as being baptized and forced to recite the catechism at gunpoint. If you are a Muslim, Jew, Buddhist, or random heathen who is wished “Merry Christmas,” look at it as an opportunity to espouse your values and tell your well-wisher how you plan to spend December 25: “Thanks! I’ll be subbing for one of my colleagues at the hospital so she can be with her family.” “Merry Christmas to you, too. My friends and I always get together for Chinese food and a movie.” “I can’t wait. Christmas is one of the few days of the year I have time to get to the mosque for all five prayers!”
Remember That Excessive Christmas-ness Gets on Everyone’s Nerves. Many folks who don’t celebrate Christmas are annoyed by the holiday’s relentless in-your-faceness. Here’s a secret: It annoys most Christmas-celebrators, too. Even the most rabid Santaphile does not want to hear those sleigh bells jingling and ring-ting-tingling before the Halloween candy is cleared from the shelves. And if the ubiquitous decorations irritate you, be grateful that you’re not the one who has to dig them out, put them up, and take them down every year.
So can we all just get along now, and none of this “War on Christmas” nonsense? Good.
