It’s strange when you have your idea or notion of what love is. Romantic love. Something you think you’ve experienced, became soured on and yet you witness it. It doesn’t seem rehearsed, forced or a punishment.
Yesterday I was talking with my friends at work and they mentioned the “good morning” call that starts their day… even if it’s done minutes after departure. The evening communications/conversations and you can’t fall asleep until they say good night. There was love definitely in their eyes as they behaved like a woman does when she is loved.
My heart just sunk.
When a man is in love, there is no excuse to keep him away. He will be creative, inventive, and imaginative in order to be with her- no matter how far away. Millions of years of romance has not really changed. The woman needs to feel that his eyes are upon her. The excitement of him needing to hear her voice and hold her in his arms. There will be no doubts as to where the feelings are as they’re out in the open, they’re being experienced, they are unquestionable. She will reciprocate and the reward is phenomenal.
For a brief period in my life I remembered those calls in the morning as I sat in my desk at work. That wonderful feeling that kick started my day… and then a few hours later another call as my voice was still missed. Like clockwork. Morning, lunch and then rushing to see me after work as it was painful not to.
I felt vibrant, beautiful. I felt delicate and strong. I felt like my co-workers who stood before me.
It didn’t start out that way. I recall that person bugged me initially and rolled my eyes each time the phone rang. Soon it became oxygen to me.
Now it doesn’t matter as the person is an ugly memory, and someone I cringe at the thought of ever having been with- but my heart and soul still remembers those feelings of being adored, love and smiling at a picture on the desk.
No games or tallies of who did what when that determine how much affection or attention you’ll receive. No excuses that kept anyone away. Total and complete respect of boundaries and privacy as you never questioned intent or if their mind was elsewhere as you should know it’s thinking about you because you’re thinking about them.
Remembering that missing piece has brought me down several levels.
There are people out there who don’t need, desire or require that in a relationship- but I’ve discovered that I’m not one of them. I deserve to be the mission. The “hell/high water” woman they go through to get to. I want to be the woman held at the end of the night because being without me hurts. I want to know I’m worth fighting for and braving anything to be with.
I’m sick of being the woman who sits alone night after night, even in a relationship with a non ringing phone, no one at the door and calls being unanswered. I’m tired of being the passive female who is graceful each time plans are dropped and changed- saying it’s okay and in reality feeling so NOT okay.
I guess I want to be the woman that a man writes a song in his heart about and plays it for her via his interactions.
This song always gets to me:
Maroon 5
Beauty queen of only eighteen
She had some trouble with herself
He was always there to help her
She always belonged to someone elseI drove for miles and miles
And wound up at your door
I’ve had you so many times but somehow
I want more
I don’t mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved
She will be loved
Tap on my window knock on my door
I want to make you feel beautiful
I know I tend to get so insecure
It doesn’t matter anymore
It’s not always rainbows and butterflies
It’s compromise that moves us along
My heart is full and my door’s always open
You can come anytime you want
I don’t mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain, oh
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved
She will be loved
And She will be loved
And She will be loved
I know where you hide
Alone in your car
Know all of the things that make you who you are
I know that goodbye means nothing at all
Comes back and begs me to catch her every time she falls
Tap on my window knock on my door
I want to make you feel beautiful
She will be loved (repeated)
Please don’t try so hard to say good bye.
Current Mood:
blah & blah & blah
I know how you feel. I was actually on the other side of that coin. I was the one who needed that person to want to see me at the end of the day, and I married a girl I thought WAS like that, but at the end of it all, she turned out to want to change who I was instead of be who I needed, and we divorced (Final as of last week). I know that need, to feel like you are the only person on earth to that someone else. I need it. I am in a relationship now that is better, but still dosn’t have that ‘Only one for you’ feel too it, so we continue to search for the elusive ‘perfect mate’. Maybe they don’t exist, but we do what we can to meet them.
See ya in the net my fellow geek,
M/10
P.S. Gamer grl, huh. We gotta chat, ESPECIALLY if you are an RPG fan.
They’re out there… they have to be. I’m not worried though. I prefer my quiet nights as opposed to being in a stressful/toxic relationship. I deserve better than that, we all do, and there’s absolutely no reason to stay in one.
Some day paths may cross and I’ll find my mate, but in the meantime I plan on being too wrapped up in other parts of life to notice. (or so I hope)
I do enjoy all types of games including a few RPG titles. I’m supposed to be reviewing one shortly. TBA as I can’t recall off hand!
Cheers!
Dawn the chic ghic